Infamous Atheist Admits: America Needs State Religion

You read that right. PZ Myers himself proposes a way for Americans to choose a state religion.

Let's pick the official US state religion with a game show. Sure, it would be shallow, loud, flashy, and would pander to the lowest common denominator of the population…but can you imagine anything more American? And it would make money! Even more American!

We'd do it in a program that would air over the course of several months. In the first phase, we'd collect entrants; the larger sects, the Catholics, the Southern Baptists, the Mormons, the Episcopalians, etc., would of course get a spot just because of their numbers and popularity, but to be truly representative, a wide selection of smaller, edgier religions ought to get a shot, too. A panel of celebrity judges would travel to major American cities and have auditions, in which representatives of various faiths in the region would show up and give a brief spiel about their beliefs and put on a demonstration of what's so cool about their particular practices. They would be judged on entertainment value and local color, and only the best show would move on to the next level.

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The main competition would consist of multiple televised rounds. There would be a division of skills, so one round might be musical, with demonstrations of their singing or dancing or babbling ability; another might be on dogma, with succinct summaries of what their religion can do for and demands of the practitioner; there could be gladiatorial rounds, where top athletes of each religion pray for god's aid in sporting events, and the loser drops out and goes home. Some rounds would be judged by the celebrity panel, while others could be judged by call-in votes.

We could also have tests of power. At the beginning of the competition, each religion could be assigned by chance a dying child, and the adherents would be expected to pray mightily for their kid. This could lead to more drama — we might have occasional interruptions, as the announcer intones, "We are sorry to report that little Timmy Robinson has died. The Methodists have no power here, and will be going home." Conversely, if one of the children has a miraculous remission, the prayer team for that child could be automatically advanced to the next round.

You might argue that the atheists would have an edge, because instead of prayer they'd be sending money to the best doctors and hospitals and getting the child the best medical care possible. Atheism is not a religion, however, so they won't be in the competition.

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Think of the excitement, and the ratings, that the final show will get! Chits, each with the name and religious symbol of the surviving contestants, will tumble about in a basket, and then an attractive starlet with very large breasts will reach in, pull out one, and hand it to a bronzed macho star with very large teeth, who will make the final announcement: "America, we are a SCIENTOLOGY NATION!", or whatever religion wins.

Note that since we are a nation tolerant of many faiths, American citizens will not be required to convert to that faith. It just means that on all official pronouncements and legal documents, the government will declare itself officially an X nation, where X is whatever religion won. All opening prayers to congress will be delivered by a representative of that religion; all military chaplains will be required to be practitioners. You will also be able to sue all politicians and pundits who declare that America is a Christian or Judeo-Christian nation without specifying the winning faith, because obviously that is a slight to that triumphant religion.

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Now wait! I'm not done! I had another epiphany that turns this whole idea into a major revelation of brilliant genius that will change the whole future of humanity.

We do this every year.

This is not a one shot deal that establishes one official American church for ever and ever. It's a process that we will go through every year. We will regularly change our state religion. No faith can slack off; they all have to muster their best game to serve their congregations and gather the talent and the votes to be competitive. It will all be very Darwinian.

Well, if you know PZ, you know he has an ulterior motive, and you know it's not one that promotes religion. He observed that sitting pretty as the state religion tends to have two effects: the lack of official competition moderates the religion itself, and the involvement of government turns the populace cynical about religion.

It's going to be great. We'll either turn religion into a trivia question, or we will select the most virulently appealing faith of all time into existence. Either way is going to be much more interesting than what we've got now.

We just have to persuade the government to try it.

Read the whole thing. It's pure genius.