El Desaparecido

(WASHINGTON, D.C., Feb. 28, 2009) The Obama administration refused again today to confirm or deny rumors that it has secretly detained former president George W. Bush as an enemy combatant.

Mr. Bush, 62, disappeared five weeks ago shortly after Mr. Obama's inauguration. He boarded Marine One at the White House to fly to Crawford, Texas, but never arrived at the faux ranch that has been on the market since November 5.

His absence went unnoticed and unremarked by even his family and closest friends, however, until yesterday.

"We've all just been so busy decorating the new house," former first lady Laura Bush, sounding uncharacteristically relaxed, said by satellite phone from Asuncion, Paraguay. "I'm sure he'll turn up soon."

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of ordering military forces to spirit former president Bush to a secret prison and prevent him from communicating with anyone outside the prison.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Attorney General John Edwards. "It's unconstitutional to imprison American citizens indefinitely without charges."

"Not since Padilla and al Marri!" spat Berkely Law School professor John Yoo. "Just last July, the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals confirmed the president's right to declare any citizen an enemy combatant and imprison that citizen without charges, forever if he wants!"

A bemused-looking General Edwards responded: "Really?"

In other White House news, last night a weighted Starbucks Travel Cup was thrown through a window in the residence. The Secret Service determined the cup did not present a threat, but declined to comment further. White House insiders, speaking anonymously because they were not authorized to discuss premium lattes, claimed the cup had an attached note which read:

Dear Barack, All is Forgiven. Love, The Left.

Cross-posted at BlueGrassRoots.