Don't look back, Oldham County; Shelby's gaining on you.

Kentucky is launching kyhealthnow to try to improve Kentucky's incredibly abysmal health statistics.  Which should be easy because Kentucky's health statistics are, you know, incredibly abysmal. If there were a health stupidity Olympics, Kentucky would take every single gold medal.

But they're going about it the wrong way.  They're trying to make it happy fun time: "Let's go for a walk! Have an apple!  Sexy people never fuck smokers!"

No, no, no.  Let's make it competitive. "Hey, Crittendon County! I see that 33 percent of your adults still smoke. Boy are YOU stupid. Next door in Christian County, only 29 percent of adults are that dumb, and they're getting smarter by quitting every day." C'mon, Crittendon County, are you going to let Christian County show you up like that?

All over the Commonwealth, Kentucky's 120 counties fight for bragging rights like two-year-olds over whose mama is tougher. Let's turn that into a competition over who can quit smoking quicker and lose weight faster and eat the healthiest and make appointments with mental health counselors sooner and graduate from rehab more successfully and get signed up for health insurance through kynect the most.

Check out county health rankings in Kentucky and nationally here.

And just to prove that we have nothing to hide here in Shelby County, our Health Behavior ranking is number 3 overall. Looks like besides the usual Kentucky smoking and stuffing our pie holes nonsense, we've got a third of our people with boobies failing to get mammograms. Get some ovaries and make an appointment today. Now we've got Oldham and Boone Counties in our sights.

One more thing: Followers of Kentucky politics will be shocked to learn that the General Assembly appropriated a grand total of zero dollars to the kyhealthnow initiative. So every time you see one of your legislators lighting up or scarfing down a doughnut or hear her yapping about poor people deserving their bad health, tell her to take a fraction of the money she gives away to Big Coal to kill more jobs and use it instead to pay a few hundred nurses to work in Appalachia.