Celebrate the Real Ray-Gun on His 100th

It is actually appropriate that we pause for a moment tomorrow to remember the douchebag who made invincible ignorance and planet-raping selfishness the new American Way.

But let's remember who Ronald Reagan really was by celebrating the values he embodied.

The Rude Pundit has some ideas:

1. Go to Best Buy and max out your credit cards on the most extravagant, useless shit you can find, like 3-D TVs and smart phones that you can implant in your brain so you can only think in Google searches and text messages. Make sure it's expensive. Then, when you're tens of thousands of dollars in debt, make sure you die so that your kids have to pay for all of it.

2. If you're pissed off at your neighbor, but he's an ex-boxer, go to the local day care center and kick the asses of the children there. Declare that you win, even if no one knows what you were fighting for.

3. Do the following to the local homeless people: Take their coats and shoes. Punch them repeatedly in the stomach. Give crack to their kids. Pawn their shopping cart of possessions. Give the money to the richest family in town. When a homeless woman asks for a coat because it's cold, accuse her of being both lazy and a thief. And set her war-vet husband on fire.

SNIP

5. If you have an STD, especially herpes, genital warts, and/or crabs, fuck people from the following nations: Nicaragua, El Salvador, Iraq, Afghanistan, Chile, and, if you have time, someone black from South Africa. Do not tell them about your disease(s). Let them figure it out for themselves.

SNIP

9. Gather your family. Tell everyone that they need to give a little of their money to support the household. Tell your kids that they are going to get less of an allowance so that the pain is spread evenly. Cancel Christmas for everyone but you. See #1.

(Bonus way to celebrate: Read the Rude Pundit's "tribute" to Reagan upon his death in 2004. It's the finest way to skullfuck the memory of the awful, cruel, incompetent puppet of a man who set the nation on its current path to doom and demise.)

Read the whole thing.